Culinary Catastrophe: Kids Cuisine

Aidan White

When I was younger, my mom would never let me buy Kids Cuisine when we went to the supermarket. She said that the food was gross, maybe she was right.

I am an extremely picky eater, I have been that way for my entire life. Because of that, I thought it might be funny to try weird food. Boy, was I wrong!

I was in the supermarket the other day when out of the corner of my eye I saw the Kids Cuisine section. Memories flood back to me of how I was never allowed to try any of these meals due to the fact they were “gross” as my mom put it.

I thought the ads on TV and the marketing of the box looked cool when I was younger, so not being able to eat Kids Cuisine made me kind of sad. Now at age 16, I finally had the chance to fulfill my dream and eat a Kids Cuisine meal. I picked up two boxes and left the supermarket.

Now, I have tried many meals in my life, and never once have I tasted something so disgusting as Kids Cuisine. The two meals I got were chicken nuggets and popcorn chicken. I thought chicken might be a little more difficult for them to mess up.

I don’t really know what I was expecting, but what I got, I really could not classify as a meal. I would classify it more as a torture device. First, when you take the meal out of the bag, you are faced with the true horrors of food marketing.

If you thought the actual meal would look anything like the food on the box, you were sorely mistaken. I took off the plastic and put the first Kids Cuisine, the popcorn chicken, in the microwave.

The popcorn chicken came with chicken, fries, corn, and pudding. I love pudding as much as the next guy, but I usually prefer my pudding to be cold. I also prefer my pudding to be good, but it doesn’t look like Kids Cuisine can supply either.

The first thing I noticed had to be the smell. God did not intend chicken, fries, corn, and pudding to smell like anything like a dying animal. That didn’t stop Kids Cuisine though.

When I took the meal out of the microwave, I could not believe my eyes. The pudding was bubbling, it’s like something you would see in an evil science laboratory in a movie. I took a gulp, mixed the pudding up, and took a bite.

Trash, that’s the only word I can think of to describe it. You know when you have something too rich and kind of makes your teeth hurt a little. That’s what this pudding did to me. Next, were the chicken and the fries, and you know, not half bad.

Sure, I would have wanted the fries to taste a little more like fries and less like a potato cut to look like a fry, but for a TV dinner, this was not half bad. Then I tried the corn, and to be honest, it’s kind of impossible to mess corn up, it’s the easiest thing to put in these TV dinners.

The corn was fine, it tasted fine, but you know what wasn’t fine: the smell. It honestly smells like something you found in the dumpster. So, for the popcorn chicken, it’s fine if you plug your nose.

The popcorn chicken was bad at times, but it’s nothing compared to the true horror that is the chicken nuggets. Chicken, pudding, corn, and mac and cheese has never come in a more deadly package.

The smell is as unwelcome as always, but this time it’s got the taste to boot. The chicken is just not cutting it for me, it’s generic, yet it has this mushy feel that will keep you queasy. The corn is fine, but the mac and cheese, aww man.

The mac and cheese had ice in it. Do I have to say more? Well, not only did I cook the meal for a minute longer than the box told me to, I REALLY don’t want to get salmonella from this, I made sure to mix the mac and cheese around really thoroughly.

And I still end up with half icy, half watery mac and cheese. Perfect.

The pudding is a whole new story. At first, I was like, “This looks better, I bet it tastes better.” and then I actually tried the pudding. And you know what? It did taste better. For once in this whole meal, I found something I actually really enjoyed.

Then it hit me, like a deer in headlights, I had no clue what was about to happen next. I lunged for my water bottle, but I was too late. It had finally arrived, The aftertaste.

My mouth fell in agony as a dumpster like aftertaste came back from the pudding like a boomerang. All the water in the world couldn’t help me at that moment. I just had to wait it out. A minute and a half of pain later, I had had about enough of Kids Cuisine for the rest of my life.

I really can not believe a parent would feed this to their child. I know some parents can be busy, but this is inexcusable.

I quickly threw out the blue trays, grabbed some meatballs my mom had made for me, and tried to forget that this had ever happened.