The Scoop on Poop

Jack Marchesani

What exactly was a ‘poop’ email? And why have these stopped?

“hello…i enjoy a good poop. yum.”

Sound familiar? No? That’s probably because you’re email account has been down for a while. You should probably talk to Mr. Norko about that.

If this does sound at all familiar (and you all know it does) that’s because it’s just one example of many in the onslaught of “Poop Emails” that have been sent this year.

What is a poop email, you may ask? Well, it’s simple. Imagine you’re sitting in second period British Literature with Mr. Roper. You’re listening closely to the lecture regarding Shakespeare’s “Macbeth.”

You hear a ping from your phone. A hope sparks within you that, after 16 years, a girl has finally decided you’re worthy of receiving the first text. Instead, you look down to see that someone has said that “this isn’t your ordinary poop…this is poop spelled backwards.”

Disappointment. You’ve begun to grow tired of finding a new poop-related email sent to the class mailing lists. Nick Algeo claimed to have a similar experience when he said, “I think poop emails stink. I’ll be waiting around for an important text, get a notification, but it’s not what I want to here. It simply says, poop.”

Typically, these emails come as a result of leaving a computer or phone logged on for some practical jokester to send the email. And yet, some have admitted to sending the emails themselves in a desperate attempt to be “cool.”

So where does the obsession with poop come from? Is it something so mystical and occult that we focus on it constantly due to some otherworldly power that it has?

Don’t believe us? Still not convinced? You demand more poop… we mean proof. Well, at the Adam Bryant presentation completed by Arjun Menon, Matt Heisler, and Tommy Pero, when the student body was asked to put up the first word that came to mind regarding 21st century education via text, you guessed it, “poop” came up in the boldest letters. And yet, the Malvern student body isn’t to blame. You might think it’s sourced in immaturity, but when a group of parents were asked to do the same thing that night “poop” was once again the number one word.

Arjun Menon, a participant in the project, simply said, “Yeah we expected this to happen.”

Although seemingly childish and delinquent, many people throughout the school stand by poop emails. Many find it funny. Alex Hornibrook has said, “Poop emails are classic. There’s nothing like 6 or 7 poop emails to get you through your Monday morning.”

Others see it as something that unite us all. Drew Milano said, “In my opinion these emails are more than just a story that involves one eating poop or an inside joke shared between friends with the classic P.S poop at the end, but instead a symbol of the brotherhood that we all belong to at Malvern. They give us a chance to joke around amongst our peers in a non-offensive way, and provide some humor that, in essence, helps relieve the stress that we may have throughout the school day.” Despite the aura of ridiculousness surrounding this, both provide valid points.

However, poop emails are not all fun and games. Some individuals find the misuse of school property for toilet humor as offensive. The Dean of Students office has taken a firm position on this hot button topic. On April 5th, the Dean of Students office decreed that poop emails will no longer be allowed by restricting students’ access to mass emails.

The decision was seemingly based firmly in the core values of our institution as Mr. Dougherty stated in his email to the student body, “The Malvern community is one based on faith, love and respect. None of the class e-mails that have been circulating reflect those values.” Head of Upper School Mr. Algeo reinforced the opinion of the administration saying, “(You) asking me for the scoop on the poop? 30 years ago I may have thought it was funny, but it’s immature and a waste of our email attention.”

It’s become clear that the administration does take issue (for the main part) with the silliness over email. It’s harmless… or at least it was. In previous months the emails had become more inappropriate and offensive. At a certain point the line into cyber bullying was crossed.

In Mr. Dougherty’s email, he addressed this, nothing that, “over the course of the year the number of disrespectful, harassing and obscene e-mails from other student’s accounts has increased to a point which has become intolerable.”

For some, this ban came as a relief as their email inboxes will finally be flushed of senselessness, but others met the edict with hostility. The decision of the administration to revoke our ability to mass communication with our classmates rubbed some Malvernians the wrong way. In all seriousness, most people can admit that poop emails are ridiculous and should stop but, is censorship the best option?

Since the ban, problems have arisen. When the Intramural Committee needed to send out emails with schedules it couldn’t be done. Gmail is “all or none” meaning one student can’t be singled out with access to mass distribution lists. In response to this teachers have begun to replicate the schedules to the student body (without knowledge that many other teachers have already done so). This poses an issue for groups who need access to mass distribution lists such as Intramurals, student council, and the Blackfriar Chronicle.

In a discussion that can be dated back to the cavemen (cave smeerings), only one victor in the debate will prevail. Spoiler alert: it’s most likely the administration. It doesn’t look like there will be any budging on the new policy, which restricts mass emails, any time soon. Until then, enjoy your uncluttered inboxes. The poop email, as of right now, has died.