SATIRE: Citing problems with drowsy students, Malvern will move towards a more ‘sleep-friendly’ schedule.

Following the tradition of changing the schedule every year, Malvern will implement a new schedule in the 2017-2018 school year according to Dean of Students Mr. Tim Dougherty.

“This new schedule will be radical,” Dougherty said. “We think it will see a lot of success almost immediately.”

Dougherty was the head of a steering committee which helped create the fifth new schedule in five years.

Learning Commons Moderator and Middle School Athletic Director Will Haus was also a member of that steering committee.

[perfectpullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]Due to the changes, school will begin at 6:30 a.m. in the morning and end at 4 p.m. in the afternoon. Classes will also be 20 minutes long.[/perfectpullquote]
“First we identified the problems with our current schedule; we saw what people liked and what they didn’t like. And then we tried to fix those problems,” Haus said. “For example, we found that student fatigue was causing a lack of focus, so we fixed that.”

The change Haus is referring to is a three-hour break in the middle of the day. According to Dougherty, the break is for students to rest or sleep.

“We like this nap time idea so much because now we won’t have students sleeping in class.” Dougherty said.

“How else am I supposed to get through AP U.S. History without sleeping?” junior Brendan Devine said.

The schedule also includes an increase to ten classes a day from the current five.

“I hate how I don’t see my classes everyday,” Honors British Literature teacher Mr. Richard Roper said. “I’m glad that I can now see my guys twice a day sometimes.”

“I’m scared for next years juniors,” senior Bryan Wilcox said. “I could barely manage having British Literature homework assigned one day and due the next. These guys will have homework assigned in the morning and due in the afternoon.”

Director of Food and Beverage Tom Gray is excited for the new schedule. “I’m just thrilled that these guys will have three hours to buy and eat snacks in the cafeteria,” Gray said.

Due to the changes, school will begin at 6:30 a.m. in the morning and end at 4 p.m. in the afternoon. Classes will also be 20 minutes long.

“I think starting earlier and ending later is a small price to pay for the great changes coming,” Dougherty said.

“Will the students like it? Will they sleep more? I don’t know but I’m really excited to find out” Head of the Upper School Ron Algeo said.

The schedule also increased the number of community times from one to three.

“I can’t wait to see the benefits from having three community times,” Head of School Mr. Christian Talbot said. “We saw a lot of benefits from having one so we asked ourselves what 22nd Century Education looked like and after ideating, we decided more community time was the way to go.”

“Five schedules in five years?” junior Pat Keenan said. “I still have to check my phone every period to see where I’m going.”

This story is satire and not intended as news. Happy April Fools’ Day!