Ted’s Talks

Ted Holleran

Staff Photo / K. Plows

Causerie – noun – an informal article or talk, typically one on a literary subject.

Through centuries, the civilized man has relied on the written word more so than anything else that can be printed on a piece of paper.
Primitive man scrambled to tell a tale without the use of his lips. Excited gestures evolved to drawings on a cave. Drawings of entire scenes began breaking down, having a picture for each element of the story: the sun, a fish, some sort of owl-like creature. These broke down even more, eventually to just a symbol representing a noise that, when combined with other noises, represent an idea. Thus was written language. But, to what avail?, you may ask. You see the trend, but what is it leading to? What could possibly be this wholly perfect form at the end of this progression, you lamarckian evolutionists out there may ask. And now you’ve found your answer.

Welcome to a newspaper column. The newspaper column. The end-all be-all of written communication. That’s right ladies and gents, six million years in the making all for a third-page column. You’d better cherish my “talks” while they’re fresh. You’re going to become pretty bored when you’re spending long nights reciting these to yourself after some sort of Fahrenheit 451 scenario has forced you to remember all of humanity’s literary best.

But for now, it’s here and hot off the presses. And yes, it has it all: headlines, commas, subtle fart jokes that will blow you away, and as much investigative journalism as is available on an outdated version of Internet Explorer at 3 AM the night before a deadline.

This column will be the go-to place for you to find all the things that you care about most (that matter to me). These articles will be 100% pure subjective truths that I can assert with the absolute confidence. These are indeed my own thoughts, and I’m not lying about that. Thusly, everything here will be as true as true can be. This column will cover a variety of topics, surely much more entertaining and more thought-out than self-referential introductory pieces that use circular logic to reason themselves for existing.

The columnist is your friend, always there to offer his opinion and what does he ask for in return? Not too much, just a moment of your time and your unhesitant willingness to support whatever you read. Maybe some cash that accidentally slipped into a “letter to the editor”. Just remember, reliability is rare nowadays and friendship is priceless, especially the special friendship between a columnist and his reader. You, dear reader, can sit back and relax and I’ll supply the conversation. I won’t ask you to chime in or burden you to put in the effort to create an opinion, I’m good at sharing, you can have mine. Just relax, take it all in, and don’t worry about “motives” or “journalistic ethics” while reading my column. These are facts, not words.

Look for future “Ted’s Talks” exclusively in the Blackfriar Chronicle.