Malvern’s and Villa’s most experienced paramours bequeath the wisdom of love

Michael McCarthy ‘15 & Keely McAveney VMA‘15
Media and Technology Editor & Resident Girl

Valentine’s Day. Yes, that’s right, the one day a year Malvern gentlemen see girls is fast approaching.

Many of you are probably asking, “Hey, but I don’t know the first thing about girls… What should I do for Valentine’s Day?” Don’t fret young fratres, Papa Bear McCarth and The Love Guru herself, Keely McAveney, are here to drop a little knowledge on ya’. So wipe the sweat off your palms, take out a notebook, and get ready to be schooled in the art of seduction.

Q: How do I know if a girl/guy likes me?
MM: Ah. The age old question that is the bane of many a Friar’s existence. In my extensive experience, I have come to the conclusion that the key indicator of a girl’s affection for you is exactly the opposite of what you may think. You know a girl likes you when she seems like she hates you. For example, if you say “Gee (girl), your hair is looking pretty today,” and she responds with, “Why are you talking to me you disgusting ogre?!,” you know she digs you.
KM: Easy. Everyone likes you. Continue drowning in the wake of your narcissism and babe pool.

Q: How should I ask her/him out?
MM: When it comes to asking a girl out, you want to make as big of a scene as possible. Yell, make sure everyone in the whole building can hear when you finally decide to ask her to see Fifty Shades of Grey. The bigger scene you make, the more pressure she will feel to say yes!
KM: Start calling her your girlfriend. Follow her home. Follow her to school. Call her house on an hourly basis. Tell her she looks pretty from the angle of the tree outside her window. This leaves zero room for rejection. She’ll have no choice but to consent or get a restraining order.

Q: What are some good ideas for a date?
MM: Time for some rapid fire ideas: grab a back-alley Italian meal (Lady and the Tramp style), join her guild in World of Warcraft, get tickets to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, go to a minor league baseball game, stay in and build pillow forts.
KM: Sit her down to watch Shrek, followed by Shrek 2, and, finally, Shrek the Third. By the time you’re done with these three, she’ll be begging not only for Shrek Forever After but to be yours forever after.

Q: What should I do when the waiter brings the check?
MM: When the waiter drops the check off at your table, make absolutely no attempt to take it. This is a power struggle. Stare her down until she cracks. When she finally breaks, smile menacingly. This will show her your mental fortuitousness, that you are an expert at “mind games.” Power = Love
KM: Pay entirely in coupons. Nothing turns a woman on like an zealous couponer. Just look at Danny Tanner.

Q: How should I dress?
MM: Anything as long as bucket hats are included.
KM: Anything but bucket hats.

Q: When should I make “the move”?
MM: Make your move when she least expects it. Use the element of surprise to your advantage. She takes a glance down at her phone and WHAM you’re there when she looks up.
KM: Agreed. Make your move when she least expects it. She’ll be all like, “Who are you? How did you get my number? We met one time at that party. I’m not your girlfriend!!!!! Please stop calling this number!!!!”

Q: How can I get a girl/guy to like me?
MM: Two words. Foot massage. Make sure to put a lot of force into it. This is a chance to not only show your mastery of the sensual màssage but also exhibit your raw strength.
KM: One word. Blackmail. Unflattering pictures and holding family members and/or pets hostage are both fair game.

Please note: Keely and Mike are both single.