What you need to get for Christmas


Tommy Pero

Tommy Pero ’17, Ted Holleran ’16

Just buy John Scargall’s album.

Christmas time is once again upon us. Whether you can’t come up with the perfect gift or spend countless hours googling “normal teenage boy gifts” to tell others what to buy you, you’ve come to the right place.

Breakthrough – John Scargall ($8.99)

We all know this is the greatest album of all time. For only $8.99, it’s a steal. The campus store was selling these for $10, a full $1.01 more than amazon. Corporate America is beating the small guys senseless again.

Bradley Fletcher’s Game Worn Pants ($100)

If you’re an amateur collector of sports memorabilia, this is perfect for you. Just a note that they might be a bit singed, especially after this former Philadelphia Eagles cornerback got burnt by most wide receivers in his 2014 season.

Jeb Bush Guacamole Bowl ($75)

America’s greatest political family is at it again. Governor Bush’s website says, Jeb and his wife Columba, “love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday.” Now you can too.

Roswell UFO Crash Site Soil ($15.72)

Check out this great souvenir from the most important event from the 20th century. It not only caused President Eisenhower to strike the transgalactic alliance with the aliens, but it also gave us the technology to make iPhones, nuclear submarines, and much more.

Ronald Reagan Stand up Comedy Special ($4.95 – $16.62)

While you’re making some guac, listen to soothing voice and exhilarating punchlines from ol’ Rawhide.

V-Moda Crossfade M-100 Wireless Headphones ($300 – $40,000)

High quality sound meets high quality materials. These headphones are fully customizable and can be configured to be made of sterling silver, 14K gold, and even platinum. And you thought Beats were expensive.

36 Pack of AAA Batteries ($10.44)

Nothing says “Happy Winter Holiday of your choice” like electricity in a fun, packable, transportable, and most importantly safe way.

Huzler 571 Banana Slicer ($3.76)

Do you ever want to up your potassium intake but struggle over the difficulty of slicing bananas? Now you don’t have to fret any more. With this baby, you can slice away and actually enjoy it too. On top of that, the reviews say it saves marriages.  


Other Christmas Perspectives:

Justice Bennett

Pat Ferraiolo

Mike Harrington

Jack Magargee

Dan Malloy

Ben Yankelitis 1 / 2